Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
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ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.