What fresh Hell is this?!?
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people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: đź‘Ś
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.