Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
You Might Also Like
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Can’t. Being lazy.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.