You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
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*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Why is no one talking about this?!
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Swedish for common sense.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?