An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
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Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
you have three unread messages
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.