*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
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Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
normalize having existential bread
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.