BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
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I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.