couldn’t resist
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famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
no
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?