My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
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My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.