I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
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8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Food gives you energy to nap more.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
ed has no gf cuz sheran away