Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
You Might Also Like
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”