“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
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“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
.. do you even science?
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Bill is short for Billiam
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually