4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
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[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?