The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
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Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I hate my earbuds.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying