Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
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I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?