A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
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Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
DOOO EEEET
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry