Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
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Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.