Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
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My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔