rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
You Might Also Like
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
nature’s most graceful animal
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.