This should not be this funny I am sorry馃槶馃槶馃槶
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Grow up never but we old may grow we
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don鈥檛 do that anymore.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i鈥檓 not trying to screenshot my alarm
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don鈥檛 have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I think I鈥檓 a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.