Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
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I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I created you as mosquito food.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I missed you with all my darts
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.