Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
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I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.