waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
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REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
nothing saves money like being antisocial
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it