Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
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I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
I didn’t realize that was an option
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”