This is hilarious….
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Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.