*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
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i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Coffee is ready.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
an octopus is just a wet spider
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh