Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
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Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
the three branches of government
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
💻🤡
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.