There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
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This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on