Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
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Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.