Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
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“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.