Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
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An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times