Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
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Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Spring of Deception
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.