Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
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*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry