Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
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I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Me sliding into hell like
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I’ve had worse
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️