A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
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Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Well, that should do it
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.