14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
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I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Room with a view.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?