Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
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My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
goldfish mafia
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.