For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
You Might Also Like
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
just pretend nothing happened
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Good morning, Twitter x
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.