[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
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If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I have obtained a hat
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.