CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
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My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.