[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
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Stop it! 😂
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches