According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
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Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
*pronounces surface like Versace*
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
My Plans 2020
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?