Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
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For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Who.
Did.
This?
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.