make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
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When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
who wants to go expliring
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here