Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
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stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
my mind
You just read my mind
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.