plant them where lol
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a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.