I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
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I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
(more comics:
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines