“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
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Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.