Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
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Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi