[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
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[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
#oldknees
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature